Love – Tony

I write this knowing one day I will get the courage to show it to you. Part of me loathes the drama of it all. Can flowery language really dress up the things I want to tell you in a way that point blank honesty cannot? But then I remember that there used to be a time when people wrote in prose and waxed philosophical in all their letters and pondering. For now I will open in a simple way I’m sure you’ll appreciate.

“I ain’t looking for anything from you. I’m just feeling kind of truthsome right now.”

When I fell for you originally, it was just a school girl crush; cute but annoying…to me anyway. It was the humor that did it, the clever play with words, even sounds. I love the spontaneity and utter hilarity of the way you arrange your words. Whatever I’m expecting to come out of your mouth is never close to what does. Wit rolls off your tongue so effortlessly, as natural as breathing and sharp and deadly as a well kept samurai sword. Such quick banter that I only wish I could keep up. I might try, but usually I’m too busy laughing. I do love to laugh.

With time my little girl crush faded, replaced with a deepening friendship and a kindred spirit I thought I’d never find. I don’t always have what one might call conventional ideas. The problem with convention is that it’s so widely accepted, people, even the movers and shakers, don’t think to revise, analyze or challenge it. I do, to extremes. Even though a few have at least tried to understand, no one has, not until I met you. Not only do you understand my thinking, but your own often goes just one step further. It is not often you meet someone who can debate and discuss any topic, reexamine it from all possible angles and then invent a few that no one ever has before. Most people only think to ask why I care so much. Finding you is like the infinite joy of an immigrant finally finding someone that understands the nuances of her language, someone with whom they can communicate with freely, deeply and easily.

Your mind is beautiful. You can flow freely from explaining physics to quoting myths. I love that you’ve never stopped learning, that you always thirst for more. You are the person I want to be when I grow up, the person I might have become if I hadn’t gotten so tired, always consuming knowledge. You are the only person I know who I can honestly say you could do anything, be anything and be great at it. I can’t imagine a time when I would get sick of your stories, so to speak. I love your passion for movies, books and of course, music. It’s another rarity to find someone who gets lost in the meaning of music, and movies, deciphering the verbal (and visual) symbols, the meaning between notes. And on top of it, when it comes to music, you also hear what the instruments are saying.

It began to occur to me that I adore you. It began to occur to me that you were fascinating, that I found myself thinking of things you’d said and replaying them in my mind the same way I watch movies and read books, over and over again to remember the nuances. I acknowledged a long time ago that I loved you, but for me love is so broad a term. I love all my close friends, as few as they are, and all differently. But what I feel for you became more intense. And that’s when it started to scare me.

And I fought it. Oh good lord how I fought it.

Then I remembered the only constant about love. Love is a gift, not a choice, and it’s non-returnable. Whatever else can be said of love, and all things about love are true, there is only that which true regardless of any other factors. It exists, and I cannot erase it.

So I may as well enjoy it.

And I do. Just your presence makes my day a little brighter. It doesn’t matter if I was enjoying myself or just getting by, when I see your name pop up on AIM or my phone play your song, I smile. It’s a broad, goofy smile.

I appreciate the fact that people might pass you every day, and they will never know, cannot possibly comprehend that they’ve just passed by a fascinating, remarkable human being, and they never even noticed. I noticed. I know, and as corny as it may sound, my life feels fuller because of it.

Maybe none of this is news to you, and I certainly am not trying to change things, nor do I expect any sort of reply. I just think that life’s too short, and when someone means something to you they should know it in no uncertain terms. When people asked “What do you want in a man?” I was describing you, only I never knew it. You are the man I will measure my future partners against.

They have a lot to live up to.