How does Jesus Christ stack up to Anthony Amorosa? In a surely unbiased analysis, Anthony considers.
Jesus Vs. Tony – A Humble Comparison
Throughout civilization, extraordinary men have spent their lives making a mark on history. Some of these men were good, some of them were bad, but all of them were special in some way. Without delving into the complications of “morality”, I’d like to share how I am alike and different from one of these extraordinary men. No, this is not a effort to compare my depravities to those of Caligula or the Marquis de Sade. Nor is it a dissertation on my similarities to the maniacally genius qualities of King Henry VIII, Joseph Stalin or Richard “Darth Vader” Cheney. When I wish to find my historical equivalent and measure our qualities against each other, I shoot for the top: Jesus H. Christ. Does that seem arrogant of me? I don’t care. Jesus talked of being the Son of God. That’s why the H. stands for hydrogen and not humility. Or maybe it stands for honesty? I always forget, but either way my point is clear – Jesus and I are so similar its astounding.
I think I should start with the physical resemblance of me and Jesus. It’s probably not surprising to realize that both Jesus and I have a lean, rugged masculinity. First of all, we both can grow a mean beard. In fact, whenever I decide to practice my the cloning of bread and aquatic creatures I always find the “miracle” commands much more authority with a ragged soup-catcher. I don’t happen to have a beard right now because I’m like to change my appearance from time to time to better avoid the authorities – something Jesus should have considered. Besides facial hair, Jesus and I both have what I like to call “Abs of a Savior.” Some might call this malnutrition; the ladies call it sexy. Another physical attribute that always gets a few panties thrown is scarring. Any woman that doesn’t find permanent physical mutilation completely seductive is a liar, and probably communist to boot.
Moving past the superficial, Jesus and I both have a propensity for alcohol. Yes, it’s true that in Jesus’ time there were no water-treatment plants and that drinking wine with water was a good way to make sure some opportunistic parasite didn’t make camp inside his intestines. That is irrelevant. All it proves is that Jesus had a better excuse to drink than I do. Excuses are like feet, everyone has them and no one thinks their’s stink. However, I did take a cue from Jesus and realized talking to large groups of people while inebriated is much more fun than sober. Who among us hasn’t thought, “Tonight I’d like to get totally wasted and start inciting civil unrest from a large pile of dirt?” Jesus was also invited to all the parties for his little water-to-wine magic trick, an ability I’ve found especially hard to reproduce. I tend to get invited because of my status as a non-minor. Either way, we both are able to provide booze and give incendiary, thought-provoking speeches much to the delight of our audience.
Eloquent speeches bring me to the next parallel of me and Jesus – quotability. The greatest figures in history all had very profound and interesting one liners, we are certainly no exception to this rule. However, our quotes tend to follow different themes. One of Big J’s (as I like to call him) most famous quotes is, “Repent: for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.” My most popular quote is probably, “There’s no sense in half-assing your way to damnation,” something I thoroughly considered when writing this particular paper. Another pair of contrasting quotes are on the subject of hubris. Jesus said “Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God,” whereas I regularly announce, “I don’t have a God-complex, God has a Me-complex.” The differences are subtle, I’ll admit; but if one looks hard enough they can be found. It’s probably not secret to anyone in the Bible-belt, but Jesus spoke in red. The common misconception is that the texts with Jesus’ words were simply colored red for easy reference, but this is simply not so. He actually talked in red. I talk in color too, but it’s not the passionate shade of vermilion Jesus was known for. My words come out a very sarcastic shade of green. Don’t worry, it’s entirely unnoticeable to your pathetically unaided human brain, but the pigment is there nonetheless.
As I’ve explained, there is no doubt about the similarities between Jesus and me. We’ve both made quite a mark, or blemish as the case may be, on the world. Our physical attributes are simply stunning. “Women want us, men want to be us.” as the saying goes. Combine that attractiveness with our witty repartee and the ease at which we provide (and consume) alcohol and we’re practically twins. Yes, the world became a much more interesting place after the birth of Jesus “Hydrogen” Christ and Tony “That’s not all ego” Amorosa.
