I am so smrt

So, I was looking up school information for a client and I came across the following submitted by a former student of the school in question:

“i loved this school it was awesomne it was better learning for the kids cause there wasnt as many students.”

Obviously, much better learning for the kids.

“I am so smart

I am so smart

S-M-R-T

I mean S-M-A-R-T”

- Homer Simpson

That’s where my money goes

So today, heading into work a half an hour late because my alarm FAILED in it’s one purpose in life, I somehow neglected to pick up my Zune headphones.

For all your Ipodphiles, the Zune is the non conformists MP3 Player. Mostly I got it because they gave me 30GB for $99.00.

Well, damn. How was I supposed to listen in on Scott’s XM service where he listens to comedy sketches all day long. I mean, how am I supposed to get through a day of work without a little Eddie, a little Lewis…possibly a little George on the side? (By the way, can your I-Pod do that, oh no, no I think not.)

Somehow, I managed to make it through the first half of the day. As soon as my lunch half hour rolled around I traipsed across the street to Target and, after staring longingly at the latest Sims 2 Expansion pack, found myself staring at the half row of headphones Target stocks. Half a row! Choices. Ooooooo.

After some careful consideration and a lot of sighing I had immediately nixed anything over $30, though not without ogling the added benefits of a $99 set (Pleather case! Noise canceling: get lost inside your favorite song like it was your woman!). I hemmed over the headphones on sale for $12.99 that had little skulls on the ear buds. Hot pink? Neon green? How about plain old gray with white. What headphones defined me as a person?

Then I caught myself.

They’re HEADPHONES for chrissakes. Their entire reason for being is just to let me listen to the vocal stylings of whomever (Yea, I got Weird Al Yankovic on my playlist, wanna fight about it!). I do not NEED skulls on my earbuds, who the hell is looking in my ear?! Seriously, if someone is looking in my ear, the last thing I want them to say is oooooo COOL.

I grabbed the $4.99 pair and got the hell out of dodge. Jesus, I wonder where my paycheck goes every week.

"You are not your bank account
You are not the clothes you wear
You are not the contents of your wallet
You are not your bowel cancer
You are not your grande latte
You are not the car you drive
You are not your fucking khaki's"

- This is Your Life, The Dust Brothers (from Fight Club) 

Youza Ho

I’m convinced that the staff at Blizzard created Burning Crusades gear specifically to make the females of the games look like whores. Which, considering most of the females running around in WoW are actually males, makes good marketing sense.

Unfortunately, the low level BC gear makes me look like a whore’s laundry got tangled up with her pimp’s.

Note the thigh high fuck me boots.

Tramp.

“You gotta run in your pantyhos
Even your daddy knows
that you suckin down chocolate like daddy-o’s
You hos are horrible, horrendous
On taxes ya’ll writin off hos as dependents “

-Ho, Ludacris

Has anybody here seen my corpse

So, I was TRYING to play WoW but my mind kept wandering to work. I have a client with a site that Google just doesn’t want to rank. The previous specialist who had him suggested creating a whole new homepage, but I noticed today that he had a fairly decent PageRank. I wonder if it’s worth the gamble.

So, distractedly, I’d alt+tab’ed and was perusing SEO websites when I suddenly remembered my long suffering priest Immortalia. Again, I chastised myself, again you’re letting work interfere with WoW. What’s become of you in the last month. I don’t even know you anymore!

When people say they’ve lost sight of who they are…I SO get that now.

And, as all things go, we must face the consequences of our irresponsible actions. Well…

Yea, not so much immortal.

I should have named her Wormfood.

“Well everything cons red now, when I play,
what would I like my tombstone to say?
Thanks well it’s been fun,
five more minutes then I’m done,
I’ve been sayin’ that to myself since, yesterday.”

- Has Anybody Here Seen My Corpse, Electric Funstuff

A Directionless Story

Seriously, stop the presses. I nearly fell over today.

Alright, a little background, I suppose, is required. I work at Advanced Access as a Website Marketing Specialist. I’ve been a marketing specialist for one whole month. Up until then I’d been in customer service from when I was 18 ’til now. I’m 25 by the way, 1/4 of a decade, 25% of 100 years. All the things you’ve heard about customer service? Yea, all true. Customers, and I do mean you, are BASTARDS.

But much <3! Seriously.

Anyway, the point is, 7 years and a permanent set of headset hair later, do you know how many of my customers listened to me?

ZERO.

It’s entirely possible I’m exaggerating, but meh. Anyway, as part of my job as a WMS, I work as a consultant telling people what they can do to make their websites search engine friendly. I do a lot of site evaluations. Occasionally I get a, “Thanks, I’ll look into it,” (yea, sure), but mostly I get this: . Yea, that’s a big, fat bit of nothing being done to your website, bub.

Today, imagine my surprise when one of my clients e-mailed me and said, take a look at the content I wrote. See, I’d advised him that if your website title is: I Love Johnny Depp So Much I Would Scrub His Shower Mildew, your website had better be about Johnny Depp and bathroom cleaning tips and techniques. His isn’t by the way, it was an example. I mean jeez, does ANYONE love Johnny Depp enough to want to clean shower mildew? Damn. Close, but no. Not even if he wore his pirate outfit.

Really, really bad eggs…

The point is, the client had actually listened to me. This is a first in all my working career people. I made a difference. My client now has a moderately optimized homepage. We’re talking pertinent content here! Do you understand how difficult it is to get people to write content for their sites? Most importantly, oh my God I’m useful.

But I would definitely scrub Johnny Depp in his shower, mildew or not.

“Life is a B Movie, it’s stupid and it’s strange

It’s a directionless story and the dialog is lame

But in the he said, she said sometimes there’s some poetry

If you turn your back on it and let it happen naturally

Oh yea, hell yea,”

-Hell Yea, Ani DiFranco

I could use a little fuel myself, and we could all use a little change

So. One fateful day they sat me down and said, “what do you want to do when you grow up?” There was much debate, a scratch on the head, an “Erm” a “Well…” and finally, “a writer. Yes that sounds alright”

“Well, alright then,” they said, in a voice that come to think of it sounds a lot like Eddie Izzard.

Then 20 years later, give or take, they said, “oh right, so how are you going to go about that?”

So, there was a little more erming and fidgeting and I read some books on the subject. Then I got a job in marketing. Not because I read books on writing. They’re two separate ideas, keep up. And the marketing book had an idea called networking. And it made sense.

“Lovely,” they said. “That’s what you should do. Get a blog.”

“What on earth does a blog have to do with being a writer?” I demanded.

They knitted a sweater while my brain ticked, catching up.

“Oh, right. Writing. Blogging. Synonymous, eh? But, mysterious they, how can I blog without a clever blog title? Ah, gotcha there then didn’t I?”

They threw their collective, anonymous hands up.

Then, this happened. Tony lamented that with 5k ping, you could not kill anything on WoW. “Somtimes,” he said, “Somtimes I feel like real life has a 5k Ping,” and in his torment he breathed life into what had just been a sparkle in my eye.

So blame him if you need to.

“Somebody once asked

Could I spare some change for gas

I need to get myself away from this place

I said yep, what a concept. I could use a little fuel myself

And we could all use a little change,”

-All Star, Smashmouth